Attempting Ambition

As of August 10th I have been a working, bachelor's prepared RN for six months. As the intended audience of this post is generally my fellow new nurses and those who will come behind me, I take no offense to those of you who skip this entry. However, I will say that despite most of it being medical, there is, as always, a deeper message. Also, for friends and family who ask questions like "how is it going?" and "are you liking it?", here is some insight into the depths of nursing. February 2014 I walked into my place of employment with my degree and license in hand. There were mixed emotions. They mostly consisted of nervousness, impatience and inadequacy. I wanted so badly to be THAT nurse. THAT nurse who could spit pathophysiology so clearly, patients understood it as easily as a children's book. THAT nurse who could juggle six patients and still find the time to help her coworkers. THAT nurse who listened to her patients, to not on

June is warm and full of the promise of a hot St. Louis summer. June also contains Father's Day. My dad passed away on Dec. 22, 2006. He was 52. While I have had the opportunity to feel this loss for close to 8 years, there is always that nagging feeling that my father isn't among the living. It is a more intense version of leaving my house without my cell phone or my wallet. Others cannot see what isn’t there, but I feel the itch under my skin. It is the buzz of the clandestine fly in my dark bedroom as I try to sleep. In June, he is everywhere, and he is nowhere. He is gone, and he is holding my hand. He is the air. I spoke to him the night before he passed then found him the next day. His body lukewarm and beyond saving, a gift given to me and taken away abruptly.  Bereavement is also more challenging if the relationship is dependent. My dad and I had a fiercely strong relationship. Every week or so since his death, I have a dream where I am speaking to