The Adequacy in Inadequacy
As of August 10th I have been a working, bachelor's prepared RN for
six months. As the intended audience of this post is generally my fellow new
nurses and those who will come behind me, I take no offense to those of
you who skip this entry. However, I will say that despite most of it
being medical, there is, as always, a deeper message. Also, for friends
and family who ask questions like "how is it going?" and "are you liking
it?", here is some insight into the depths of nursing.
February 2014 I walked into my place of employment with my degree
and license in hand. There were mixed emotions. They mostly consisted of
nervousness, impatience and inadequacy. I wanted so badly to be THAT
nurse. THAT nurse who could spit pathophysiology so clearly, patients
understood it as easily as a children's book. THAT nurse who could juggle
six patients and still find the time to help her coworkers. THAT nurse
who listened to her patients, to not only medically related
conversation, but their personal stories that would touch her heart. THAT nurse who could fully understand the correlation between the human body and the human spirit. THAT
nurse whose patients were simply gracious for her work at the end of her
shift.
Some of the raw, unedited thoughts that were with me
for a majority of my first few months as an RN, I will keep mainly to
myself because nursing is not only a career, it is a very personal
journey of self discovery. Some days are great. Some days I leave work feeling as if I changed lives. That is what we should always be striving for, unfortunately the reality is much less profound. Some days are hard, really hard. I'm
talking 12 hour shifts that assault you emotionally, intellectually and
physically, bringing you to your breaking point. Days that I have stood
in a patients room and silently asked myself why in the hell did an insufficient woman like myself choose one of the only
careers where other human lives are in my hands daily?
Six months in, I will say that THIS nurse is THAT nurse. Because THIS nurse and THAT nurse were never very different to begin with. I
fully understand that the strikingly exquisite part of science and
medicine is that no one can ever completely, without a doubt "get it". It gets easier to differentiate lung and heart sounds, you learn with time and experience the best ways to manage
care, and the overall understanding increases tenfold, but there is always learning to be had. The beauty in nursing, or any field, is that you
are ALWAYS lacking. It is when you believe that you are
fully adequate that you become inadequate. To constantly crave knowledge, to lust for it,
is the most beneficial desire a human can ever have.
-L
-L
Liz, I love this. It feels like you've taken my first 3 weeks in the classroom and put them into words.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words, Emily.
ReplyDelete